If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . ..
Here are some of his gems:
1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
8- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
9 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend,…But she left me before we met.
11 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
12 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
13 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
14 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
15 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
16 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
17 – I intend to live forever… So far, so good.
18 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
19 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
20 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
21 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
22 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
23 – Experience is something you don’t get until justafter you need it.
24 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
25 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
26 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
27 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
28 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
29 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
And the all-time favorite –
30 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?