Different Ways Of Looking At Things

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, ‘I  didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

Larry  replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

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A little boy went up to his father and asked:  ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well,  son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

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‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very  carefully,’ the divorce Court

Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give  your wife £775 a week,’

‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband  said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bob  myself.’

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed  to the Emergency Room,

Took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like  the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband.  ‘But she’s a great cook and really Good with the kids.’

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he  can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without  hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

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Two Reasons  Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can  you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York  City?’

The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’

‘Thank you,’ the blonde  says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were  investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

‘How was he killed?’ asked  one detective.

‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A  golf gun! What is a golf gun?’

‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole  in Juan.’

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Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

Joe:  ‘Really?’

Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’

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A man is recovering from surgery when the  Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

‘I’m O. K.  But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he  answered.

‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.

‘Oops!’

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband  and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten  years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing  suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

‘What do you think?’ I asked.  ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he  replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

He’s still in intensive  care.

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The graveside service just barely  finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a  tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder  rumbling in the distance…

The little old man looked at the pastor  and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s finally there.”